


The morning I tried to kill myself

by Baorsi



Series: Self Indulgent shit (DC version) [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Tim Drake, Depression, Gen, He Gets a Hug, Heavy Angst, Loving batfamily, Suicide Attempt, Tim Drake Has Mental Health Issues, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, Tim Drake-centric, good dad bruce - Freeform, minors descriptions of injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:08:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baorsi/pseuds/Baorsi
Summary: “The morning I tried to kill myself,” Tim started, “I wanted to be quiet.”Tim didn't think they would catch on so easily, but they did.
Relationships: Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne, Stephanie Brown & Cassandra Cain & Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Alfred Pennyworth, Tim Drake & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson, Tim Drake & Duke Thomas, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Stephanie Brown
Series: Self Indulgent shit (DC version) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997308
Comments: 6
Kudos: 277





	The morning I tried to kill myself

**Author's Note:**

> This is just purely self indulgent shit, and I haven't beta'd it, so if there are mistakes, that's because I couldn't catch them over my tears.
> 
> The warnings are there, so don't write shit on my comments if you don't like the content.

“The morning I tried to kill myself,” Tim started, “I wanted to be quiet.”

The hands stopped, from where they were wrapping his cut up hands. Then, they resumed, the same, slow pace it started.

“I tried to walk through the corridors, but I saw Alfred walking towards me, and he said, ‘good morning’, and I didn’t have the heart to look away and I couldn’t control the smile when I replied back,”

The cloth used to clean his knuckles already turned brown, taking off all the dirt and the blood off of his hands and instead stained the gentle water dirty. 

“I passed down Damian’s room, and through the door I saw his colors scrawled out all over the floor where he was working on another one of his crafts, and for a minute I don’t think I ever saw anything as pretty as how vivid the charcoals were, or how beautiful the fox looked jumping over the moon.”

He felt the blanket rustle when he felt the tiny body shift to press closer by his side, and Tim’s red rimmed eyes stung with tears.

“The morning I tried to kill myself, I felt somebody touch my hair, and I looked up, and I saw both Dick and Cass hanging upside down over the chandelier, and I wondered how it would feel to do that, and then remembered that Dick had already taught me how to join them when I wanted to.”

The warm hand on his shoulder gave a stuttering squeeze, and the smaller hand was laced in his free hand. He looked at both of his hands, sitting uselessly in his lap, and his eyes blurred up like the mess of color spreading over the water.

“I walked past the kitchen, and I saw the mug I always drank coffee from sitting on the counter, and next to it I saw Bruce sitting on the chair next to the one I always sat on, drinking his own cup while reading from a casefile. He looked at me and he smiled, and I tried to smile long for him to notice before I passed the corner and out of his sight.”

The large hand that rested on his knee gave a comforting squeeze, but that didn’t stop Tim from noticing the way the other man’s lip twitched and his own voice grew wet.

“When I walked around the corner, I saw Stephanie come out of her room, and she was so happy to talk to me, and I was happy that she wanted my help for her advanced chemistry assignment. But I regretted it because we spent 2 and a half hours on it and I was late.”

Tim didn’t need to turn around to hear her sniffle behind him. If he did, he wouldn’t be able to answer the question.

“The morning I tried to kill myself, I left the manor at 5:47, and I was upset because my bus left for 5:30 and I missed it. So I decided to walk to the abandoned, overgrown church instead.”

He had to look at the ceiling because it was too hard to hold back the tears when his head was down, but that wouldn’t stop the tears that already leaked from his eyes and fell down the sides.

“I walked down the broken wall path to the church, and I don’t know why, but I walked the path that would bring me to Duke’s window, and I was too upset to smile at him when he saw me through the window and waved...and it made me feel even worse.”

He could barely hear the sigh that escaped shaky lips, above the unbearable thumping of his pulse in his ears. He doesn’t feel any emptier, but his heart hurt.

“I...went to the church, and I walked to the highest window, and crawled to get to the roof--” he couldn’t control the way his lips were painfully twitching on it own accord, and there is no control he has anymore, not of him, not of his body when he still talks despite it,

“--and I thought that I would kill myself seeing the most beautiful colors of the sunrise over the horizon, not knowing that Jason was there, in that church the same time I planned on jumping.”

The hands around his chest tightened, and he felt the heartbeat thrumming slower than his own pulsing heartbeat. The chin resting on the crown of his head was the only pressure indicating that he existed. 

Everything hurt, and all the choked back sobs bubbling in his throat, quietly, steadily spilled out the same way his tears ran down his red cheeks. And all the eyes he avoided looking at, that felt as if they were scorching his skin with the intensity of all the worlds around him, broke through the chipping mask that was already falling off his face.

“I saw-- I saw Jason hold out his hands, and I wanted to--I wanted to forget that, because--because I felt regret feeling my last thoughts would be, would be--”

“It’s okay,” Jason’s voice rasped.

“My last sight would be seeing my brother’s unhappy face instead of the sunrise I wanted to capture, before I killed myself at six AM. Knowing that I was anything but quiet, trying to scream and punch and claw my way to the edge and fall the way I dreamed.”

It’s silent, and Tim wants to take back what he said,

“I’m...sorry.” Tim says

“And it's okay, Tim,” Dick repeats

“It’s really not.” Tim croaked.

“No, it's not,” Bruce finally starts, and Tim’s breath audibly hitches in response to hearing him talk for the first time. “It's not, but that’s okay,” Bruce says, “Because you’re still here with us, and that's all we could ever ask for.”

Tim’s face is hidden in his bandaged up hands when the sobs finally take over and wrack through his body.


End file.
